


Prince of my Heart

by skepticalArsonist



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Flushed Romance | Matesprits, Gore, Horror, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Romance, Suicide Attempt, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-09-10
Updated: 2013-02-21
Packaged: 2017-11-13 23:11:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 19,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/508737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skepticalArsonist/pseuds/skepticalArsonist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>With John suffering from extreme nightmares, how will his stay with the Striders be? No. John is a man, and he can take care of himself, can't he? This is a very stupid summary.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

This was the day. The day you are going to do it. Sure you're nervous about it, but you are kind of excited as well. What could go wrong? you ask yourself.

Your name is John Egbert and you are going to visit your best bro for the summer, before you two go off to college.

Well at least you plan to. You really hope this goes well, because if it doesn't, a whole summer of embarrassment will become your future, and you sure wouldn't want that! So you pick up the phone and dial the number. You take so long to stare at the number that the phone goes back to the main screen. Crap. You dial again and force yourself to hit the call button and wow are you nervous.

Your heart literally skips a beat when somebody picks up the phone on the other line.

"Hello?"

You can't seem to get any words to come out of your mouth.

"Hello? Who's calling?"

"Hey, um, is this Dave?"

"No, this is his attractive and talented older brother." Oh. Whoops. Sorry.

"Oh, um, what's up Bro?"

"I don't know. Why don't you tell me what's up?" Crap. He's onto you.

"Oh, um I was wondering if maybe I could come over and stay a while to see Dave."

There is an uncomfortable pause. Then Bro speaks.

"See Dave, huh. You dating the kid?"

"No! I just want to actually see him or something, instead of Skype call or some shit."

"Aw shit, can't he just chill at your place?" Bro sounds tired, and you don't know why.

"He always comes here!" You say, you voice a tad bit whiny. "I just wanted to go over for a change."

"I swear, you're the same whiny little shit you were years ago. Anyway, don't you think there's a reason you're never invited here anyway?" Wow, rude.

"Uhh, well I-"

"Exactly. And now you're basically inviting yourself into our home and requesting a space to lay your dumb ass around with my stupid brother."

"Uhh,"

"Stop saying that. You sound like an idiot. How long do you plan on staying?"

"Somewhere along the lines of the entire summer."

"Wow. Do you need me to buy you a ticket?" Score!

"I already bought a ticket."

"You little shit. When does your flight get here?" You laugh and tell him.

"Alrighty then. That's four days before Dave comes back home from Vegas. See you then. Bye." Bro hangs up the phone, and you're chewing on your lip. Four days? Why the hell didn't Dave tell you he was in Vegas? It's was so unlike him, since he would really look forward to rubbing it in your face and telling you about everything he sees. Huh. You guess he has his reasons. Dave Strider always has reasons for everything. You decide to pester Rose as you had promised to do after making the promised phone call. So many promises. Promising and promising and occasionally carrying through with your promise. Life is so complicated.

You sit in front of your computer and maximize Pesterchum, immediately clicking on Rose's handle.

\- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 14:13 -

****

EB: rose! i called them.

****

TT: ...And?

EB: he said

TT: ?

EB: something like. uhh, can you help me?

TT: He asked for your help with something?

EB: no no! i want YOU to help me with something, you flonky blond girl.

TT: I do not believe flonk is word you have made In think it is word that defines as device inserted into the anuses of animals to test their ability to reproduce with animals created in labs that not yet have true identity or official name.

EB: you are lying, rose.

TT: Am I? Look it up.

EB: i did when you were typing your dumb ass response about bestiality.

TT: That's not bestiality.

EB: rose! basically, i'm going to stay at the striders for the entire summer. i get there four days before dave gets back from vegas.

EB: did you know that dave was in vegas?

TT: Yes. There was a reason he didn't want to tell you.

EB: really?! what is it? you can tell me. we is tight girl. you can tell me anything you want.

EB: anything at all.

EB: any way you want it

TT: Don't start that, John.

EB: what about our journey moment?

TT: John. My lips are sealed. Dave made me make a sailor's promise not to tell you.

EB: A SAILOR'S PROMISE?

EB: HE MADE YOU MAKE A LEGITIMATE SAILOR'S PROMISE? :O

TT: Yes.

EB: who gives a crap and a half? it's just a made up thing anyway.

EB: tell me everything rose lalonde.

TT: How about...

TT: Nuh.

EB: fine! god dammit now i'm frustrated.

TT: You know I'd like to tell you John. I'm leaving so I won't say anything I'll regret.

EB: auuuuuuuuughghguhguhguhguhh!

TT: As barbaric as that was, and how very intimidating that sounds when I say that out loud, you will not break me, John Egbert.

TT: I'm hard to crack.

EB: wow. that takes the cake for the worst last name pun i've ever heard in my entire life.

TT: How about this. John, I'm confused as to why you weren't born a female.

EB: huh. why?

TT: Ovaries have eggs and you do too.

TT: Ba dum, tsssss dot PNG.

EB: rose

TT: Hey, who harass the child?

EB: rose!

\- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 14:23 -

You love Rose. She is basically your sister, just like Jade. Which reminds you. You click on Jade's handle and begin pestering her.

\- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 14:23 -

EB: hi jade!

GG: hi john! are you enjoying being a man and all? ;P

EB: you have no idea! my dad gave me my own fedora and even though i'm never going to wear it, it feels really awesome!

You can almost hear your dad's heart break down in the kitchen.

EB: how's womanhood treating you?

GG: im enjoying the outdoors and fresh air! you should drag your lazy bum ass outside and do something for a change

EB: outdoors? outside? what are those words. i've never seen the appear on the internet...

EB: let me look them up.

GG: john! youre so lazy!

EB: sorry i'm so useless, mommy.

GG: how do you expect to get a job and make your mama proud at this rate? D:

EB: but mom, i-

GG: enough of this! i wont stand for any of this! why dont you go outside and rethink your entire life

EB: mom, i'll work hard and listen to you, and i'll be rich, famous, and i'll be fuck deep in bitches.

GG: just like mama raised you

EB: any way you want it

GG: thats the way you need it

EB: any way you want it

GG: she said any way you want it

EB: that's the way you need it

GG: any way you want it

EB: okay i've had enough. that was fun.

GG: it was :D

GG: oh and have fun at daves house!

EB: how did you know about that?

GG: rose was telling me while you were talking to her.

EB: oh, well thanks!

GG: love you!!

EB: love you too!

\- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 14:28 -

Well now that that's settled, you decide to start packing. You know it's a bit early to be doing that, but you can't help but be a bit excited. Even though you have to spend four days with Dave's brother. You check to see if your strife specibus is on you, and you are relieved when your hammerkind is safely packed in your silladex. Bro would probably want to strife, and you can't strife without your trusty hammer!

You laugh and recall how frustrated he was with you when you were thirteen and he and Dave had visited for your birthday. You used to be such an annoying little dick thing. And you still kind of are. At least you have been told that by a few people.

You go downstairs to tell your dad the good news. He is busy making cakes as usual. The kitchen is filled the sweet aroma of baking cake, as it has smelled for the past eighteen years of your life.

"Dad!" You say, running up to him. "Dave's bro said that I can stay for the summer!" Your dad turns around from where he is standing.

"That's great, son! I just wish we could spend our last summer together. I can't believe my son's going to college."

"Dad, I'll be back! Every break and holiday I'll come back and we can bake together." Then you go up to your dad and hug him. You know you'll miss him while you're away. It just doesn't feel right when you don't wake up to the scent of baking cakes and rattle of electric mixers.

You go up to your room to kill time on the internet. There really isn't a lot you need to do before you leave, so you just kick off your pants and watch your favorite movies.

"Yes," you breathe. "This is living."

\--

Your dad wakes you up in the morning and tells you to get your stuff ready. Instead of going straight to the airport, you two stop to have breakfast together.

"John," Your Dad says. "Are you sure you're going to be okay?"

"Of course I will be, Dad!" You reply. "I'm a man now."

You deal with an issue, and your dad is concerned. You experience cripplingly terrifying nightmares, if they can even be called that, when you go to sleep, and no matter what you do, it would take a miracle to wake you up. And you are pretty sure peeing on somebody elses sheets is not an okay thing to do. But you'll manage. You're a man.

You two are both in tears as you leave to board the plane, and you drown your sadness in more movies while on the plane. You don't like the movie that they're showing on the flight, so you pop a DVD into your laptop and watch that. A third of the way into the film, you begin to drift into sleep. Your dream is normal and doesn't make sense, and you thank your lucky stars don't have any trouble sleeping.

When you wake up, you can feel the plane descending. You chew on some gum so that your ears don't literally burst like a balloon, and you close your eyes because the feeling of the plane landing is making your stomach do acrobatics. You also can't contain your excitement of seeing Dave for the first time in years. You knew that this summer would be one that you would never forget.

You are now inspecting your rented car. It's black and shiny and you already love it to pieces, though you haven't driven it yet.

"Lucille will be your name." You say to yourself. Lucille. You like the sound of that. You get into your fresh smelling car and look at your Mapquest directions. Dave's apartment is only twenty minutes away from where you are. Good.

You look around at your surroundings while you drive. You are not used to being in such a huge city, and you are not used to the intense heat either. You blast the air conditioner until you feel comfortable, and then turn it off. By then, you are at the tall building that the Striders dwell in.

The slip of paper in your hand says that they live on the 24th floor, which is only three away from the top, and with your amazing luck, the elevator is out of service. You tug all of your bags up the stairs, and when you get to the right floor, you collapse onto the floor and let out a sigh. You want to sit there and recover for the rest of eternity when one of the two doors on the floor opens. It's Bro. He smirks when he sees your body in a pile in the middle of the floor. Your torso is soaked with sweat and your face is still flushed from climbing all the damned stairs.

You get up and wave to him with your elbow, and he takes two of the three bags you're carrying.

"How was the flight?" He asked as he entered the apartment.

"Quiet," You say. You stop in front of the door, and Bro sets down your bags and looks you up and down. Judging by the angle of his eyebrows you can tell he's surprised.

"Sheesh, you're taller than you were when you were a thirteen year old krill-bit." He says finally. And it's true. You're only an inch or so shorter than him.

"I know. And I see you've been working on the beard." You say, and Bro runs his fingers along his stubble.

"This is the most it's ever gonna grow. Don't want this thing to turn into a goddamned kitchen or nothin'." He pauses before looking right at you again. "So are you going to come in any time soon?"

"Bro, I'm a vampire."

"What?"

"I can't come in unless you invite me in, of course."

"Will you bite my neck and suck me dry until not a single drop of blood is left?"

"That depends." You joke. "Are you wearing shitty cologne?"

"The shittiest." He says with a smirk. You laugh. When you were younger, you used to think that Bro was lame and grumpy and weird. Maybe he still is, but you couldn't tell now.

"You know why else I'm a vampire, Bro?" You ask jokingly.

"Why?"

"I don't sleep at night," You say seriously. He can't tell whether or not you're joking so you give him a look and he gestures for you to come in.

"Make yourself at home," he says. "You can sleep in Dave's room, and his favorite towel is on the toilet seat, ready for you to wipe your ass on." You thank him and walk in, taking in the sight before you. Dave had told you many things about the Strider household, but you didn't expect them to be... True...

The floor was littered with so many puppets and wires that it was almost funny, and the walls had weird posters that made you want to cringe in horror. Some complicated looking DJ equipment was mounted on cinder blocks in the living room, and there was a futon that sat in front of a gigantic flat screened television that was mounted on the wall.

You go over to the window and look at the great city before you, as well as the great drop below you. You wonder if anyone's ever fallen from any of these buildings, and you shake your head and frown.

"Hey," Bro calls over. "If you want any food, there's a fridge in my room. Unless you need a haircut or something, stay away from the one in the kitchen." You nod in his direction. You remember Dave telling you all about this, and you remember thinking about how batshit insane Bro probably was. Your theory could finally be proven right, and you didn't quite know how to react to that.

You've seen Dave's room plenty of times when Skyping him, but seeing it in person was a lot different. It was really cool, actually, until you looked at the selfies he had hanging on a clothesline. He had told you that he had stopped taking them. Dave had lied to you. So you laugh at his photos until your stomach is a heated ball of bearable pain.

You don't see Bro pop his head in to see what you're doing.

"Enjoying yourself?" He asks, and you jump.

"Uhh, I was just-"

"I get it," Bro says with a smirk. "They're pretty damn hilarious." Bro walks over and points to a photo to your right, and you almost die right there. Dave is pantsless and posing seriously with a rubber chicken in his hand. And his face is serious as death. Bro plucks the picture from the line and hands it to you.

"Keep it," He says, and you thank him. He leaves you alone, and you lay on Dave's bed, staring at the ceiling.

"I think I'm going to like it here."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i would like to thank tumblr user lordegbert for helping me write this horror scene! what a sugoi individual. go follow NOW.  
> also before reading this please regard the following:  
> Please save me that I had become a human is nothing before coming back to the original (! Help the me).

You decide to stay out of Bro's way and do your own thing, though you doubt he had any real business to deal with. Running a puppet porn site was an easy job, wasn't it? If course it was.

Easy easy business.

You get your beautiful, new, and very blue laptop from its case and carefully open it on Dave's bed. You are careful not to get any fingerprints on the surface. You open Pesterchum and click on Jade's handle since suprisingly, Rose isn't on.

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 17:04 --

EB: i'm here!

EB: and still in one piece, god bless.

GG: congratulations! but john, i have to talk to you about serious real life issues!

EB: okay, jade.

EB: let's talk about serious real life issues.

EB: if i could, i would have put that in italics.

GG: :((((

GG: listen to me, john.

GG: i think you need to tell bro about your problem.

EB: what?!?! no way!

GG: john, what you are going through is important, and im afraid of what will happen to you in the future.

GG: you are away from your dad, and the only person who could help you is bro. he will understand.

EB: he probably won’t give a shit. he just seems like that type.

EB: the type that doesn’t give a shit.

GG: john, i think you need to tell him, and i refuse to talk to you until you do.

EB: JADE!!!

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 17:10 \--

Great. Just great. Now you, 18 year-old John Egbert, have to tell your best friend’s older brother about your weird issue. The guy probably doesn’t have time to deal with your bullshit. But you’re going to have to do it anyway. 

After a nap. Airplanes were tiring, and you could really use some time to recover. You close your laptop and rest your head onto Dave’s pillow. You are looking at one of Dave’s creepy jarred fetuses when you fall asleep. 

The nightmare begins. 

\--

You are sitting in complete darkness. You try to look at your own hands, but see nothing. You blink several times, but you are still surrounded by black. Just black. It it maddening. 

You stand up and look around but still see nothing. You can not abscond. You can only advance. So you do. You take a step, and something creaks and moans in the distance. You freeze, holding your breath, squeezing your eyes shut and biting your lip. You heart rate accelerates and you are shaking a bit, but you take a few more steps forward. You have no idea where you are aiming to go, but you move on.

There comes another moan, like the sounds of a large animal in distress, only more metallic. The sound is like a blade, it pushes past your skin and lightly grazes your soul itself. You shudder. 

You move like a blind man, arms out in front of you. There is nothing there to comfort you. Just darkness.

With each step you hear a faint sound now, the metallic whale call a thing of the past. Every time your foot meets the seemingly nonexistent floor, the sound grows louder. It’s shrieking, and it sounds mechanical and robotic and horrible in every way.

The screaming is the worst thing you’ve ever heard, and it sounds like all the tortured souls being released from Hell all at once.

But you see nothing. It is still completely dark. You bolt now, breathing heavily and trying to escape the sounds, but it’s not working. It is all around you and the horrible din fills your ear and brain. You fall to the ground, covering your ears with your hands but it’s not working. You have a massive headache and your ears and eyes are hurting like mad. Your eyes are shut and you see stars.

The very noise itself seems to channel through your body like blood, and you’re not sure how much more of it you can take. You are surely going to die. 

Then, it just stops.

Just like that, it stops. You open your eyes. 

You see a glowing figure in the distance, bright and welcoming against the darkness. Even from where you currently are, you know it's your dad. He beckons for you to come, and you jump to your feet and run towards him. He is reaching out to you, and you grab his hand. 

Right now, you dad looks like personified hope, dressed in all white, as usual, and a bright blue glow surrounding him. He pulls you into his chest, and you press your face into him, feelin his warmth.

Surprisingly, he is taller than you, and you feel as if you are 13 once again. Then, you had no problems, just a weird and fun life with your weird and surprisingly boring father.

Your dad holds onto you and sits down in an invisible chair of nothingness, and you laugh as he hugs you. You try to say tjat you miss him, but you can't. So you just enjoy this moment with your dad, hugging you. You are so happy that you are not alone. You lean into your dad a bit more and he hugs you tighter.

And tighter.

And tighter.

You are a little uncomfortable, so you try to pull away from him, but he keeps squeezing tighter and tighter until you can't breathe. You feel his arms pulling around you like rubber bands and to your surprise, that's exactly what they're doing. His arms are wrapped around your body like elastic, and you are being constricted.

You look up at your dad's face, a choice you instantly regret, because that certainly isn't your dad.

The entire bottom half of his face appeared to have been torn off, though his top row of teeth gleamed white against his exposed black gums. Even with most of his face gone you can see that his face is pulled into a cruel smile, and his eyes were completely black, like those of a demon. 

You would scream, but you are too busy having the life squeezed out of you.

Your "dad" continues to constrict you, and then you hear a crack, and pain shoots through your body. You can't scream but your eyes shut immediately, and you hear more cracking and grinding. He is going to shatter every bone in your body.

As the pressure increases you feel every rib snap, your collar bones crack, your arms break like old twigs. 

You can't black out in a dream, and it will take a miracle to wake you up. 

Dad dumps you onto the ground, and you are in so much pain that you can barely register it all. You know it's not over, and you brace yourself for impact. He is standing in front of you now, his arms very normal looking now. He is just staring down at you, and you are terrified. Now, of all times, tears run down your face as you look up at the demonic face of your "father". The darkness is filled with the sound of you weeping. 

Your vision is blurred with tears, but you can see as he brings his foot down onto your head. Hard.

With nearly inhuman strength, your head is stomped on again and again and again until it is reduced to a messy pile of blood, brains, and powdered skull.

\--

You awake with a jolt and sit up, nearly hyperventilating. This was not your home, and you did not know what to do or where to go. Damn.

You stretch, and relief washes over you as you realize that your body is fully functional.

Jade is right. You really need to let Bro about this. At this point you don’t give a shit about what he says or thinks. You just want comfort.

You get up and leave the room, still trembling slightly. Bro is in the living room, sitting on the futon. The TV is on but his head is bent down as if he were reading something. You know he isn’t, since everybody knows that grown men don’t read. Ever. It’s sort of a universal rule. 

He hears you come in, and points to the coffee table in front of the futon. There is a McDonalds Kid’s Meal there, and you almost snort, but you are still too shaken to do that. So you go over to the futon and sit down next to Bro. He is sketching something in a sketchpad, and you glance over at what he is drawing. It looks like a smuppet, but you can’t really tell because it’s sketched really lightly. Not that you care, anyway.

You kind of sit there awkwardly for a few moments, ignoring your complimentary meal, and Bro turns to you. He sounds a little irritated when he speaks.

"What?"

You look at your hands, which are folded on your legs, and search for the right words. 

"Bro, I have to talk to you about my problem." You say with a surprising confidence in your voice, and you look into the eyes behind the pointy shades. Bro looks as if he were about to make a joke, but when he sees the seriousness in your face, it spreads onto his like a virus.

"What kind of problem are we talking?" Bro asks. "I hope to God you're not wetting the bed."

"No, it's nothing like that!" You blurt defensively. Then you think again. "Okay, so maybe it is sort of like that..."

His eyebrows shoot up. "You're wetting the bed?"

"No! Shit!" You rub your temples with your index and middle fingers. "It's just that I have these really bad nightmares. Really bad ones. I don't think you'd understand."

"Maybe I will if you tell me more about it."

"Well, it's... Everything in these dreams just feel so real." You chew on your lip. "It's terrifying." Bro mutes the television now, and it only makes you even more nervous than you already are. 

"How the hell is that terrifying?" He asks, his mouth twisting a little. The way he says it knocks you in the emotions a bit, and you frown.

"In every dream, I always end up dying a horrible death, and it's always unbelievably painful. Like, things no person should be able to live through." You feel as if you are going to burst into tears, but being the manly Egbert you are, you don't shed a single tear. Boy are you tough.

Bro scratches his prickly chin for a moment, and you imagine his dynamic older-brotherly superpowers kicking in. 

"What do you want me to do about it?" He asks. So much for superpowers.

"Can you just check up on me when I sleep? Maybe wake me up if I'm kicking or something. My dad would usually check up on me and wake me up, and then we'd drink decaf coffee together in the middle of the night." You recall, a small smile creeping onto your face. You also remember the dream, and your crack of a smile is replaced with a tiny grimace. 

" John," Bro says, trying to grab your attention back. You look at him before he continues. "Did you have one of these nightmares when you took a nap in Dave's room?"

You nod.

"What happened when you were dreaming?" He asks. He takes off his hat and begins tapping it against his knee. 

"I can't really remember... Uhh, I remember my Dad was in it though. He killed me." 

"Maybe you're feeling a bit homesick." You know that's not the case, but...

"Maybe that's the case this time, but it's not always my dad. I don't remember most of my nightmares anyway, but I know this isn't the first time I've been killed in my dreams by someone I know." You were telling Bro almost anything, and it felt nice, considering the only people who had known about your problem were and dad and Jade.

Bro pondered this for a moment, and replied simply,

"Here's the deal. Just go to bed tonight and don't think about anything. I'll see what I can do." He then rustles your hair, stands, stretches, and goes into his bedroom. You slouch into the futon, pouting. Bro had just given you shit-tier advice, and you are not all happy or satisfied. You grab at your meal and the remote, flipping through the channels until you reach something worth your time. You watch a Monty Python movie while picking at your food.

You really wish Dave was with you. Despite his being an idiot all the time, he could always make you laugh.

And you could really use a laugh right now. 

\--

Partway through some movie you are watching on BET, Bro plops down next to you, wearing a black wifebeater and orange boxers. He also seems to have retired the hat for the night.

"Movie night, I see." He says. "What are you watching?" You shrug and toss him the remote.

"Put it on something good."

Bro flicks through a few channels before coming to a stop on some old kung fu movies with subtitles. You two enjoy it and a variety of snacks.

During commercials you talk. You talk about filming your own kung fu movie, or Dave, or the shitty commercials themselves, and you laugh until you're out of gas.

You notice L'il Cal on the other side of Bro, and decide to bring it up.

"Bro," you say. "Why is Cal with you all the time? Like, what is he to you?" You wait for Bro to snort, but surprisingly, he doesn't.

"Well, he's my partner in crime for one."

"The crime being?"

"Runnin' my company. He's also been with me since I was a tot. You could say he's my..." A pause for effect. "My national treasure." He smirks, and you groan.

"Bro, I am so over that!" You pout, kind of irritated by the fact that Bro thought you were the same as you were as a kid. Of course you were different now, it had been years and years! You didn't like the old movies that you had liked as a young teen, but you still loved movies. You just had better taste now! You like comedies and movies with hot women that kick ass. 

Yes, you have amazing taste in movies. The best taste. The best.

When the movie ends, you and Bro are filled with an energy that can not be described with words. It flowed through their bodies, yes, but it could not exit by just any physical movement. No. It had to be released with kung fu. And boy, were you two up for it.

You both stand up, and Bro moves the coffee table next to the wall. The TV is turned off, and all is silent.

You’re pretty sure your eyes meet, and you’re also sure that they both narrow. The tension is intense. 

In a flash, you make a total dick move and launch yourself at Bro, and before you know it, he is twisting your arm behind your back, and it hurts. But you are a warrior, and refuse to utter a sound. Not a single whimper. He eventually lets go of you and you strike an incredibly stupid looking pose before. He does the same. 

Cal looks on from the futon, a look of great interest showing in his blue eyes. 

You hesitate with your next move, and Bro takes the opportunity to grab you by the waist and flip you upside down before slamming you down onto the futon. Wow, this guy is strong.

Wow, this guy is strong. 

You give up then, raising your hand in defeat. 

You did it, man. You fell down this whole mountain. 

You leave to get dressed. 

\--

Before you go to bed, you try to send a message to Jade, though she isn’t online.

EB: jade! i told him. i don’t know what he wants to do about it, but i still told him.

You close your laptop and drift off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that was my first horror-ish scene, i hope it wasn't too... i'm not sure what word i'm looking for.  
> since this is the first nightmare of many, i wanted to keep it simple.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oh no.

This place is a lot brighter than the last place, and you like that. It's still dim, however, so you have to strain your eyes to see what's around you.

It's weird, the air smells metallic, but it doesn't smell bloody. You hope to God that it's not blood.

Another weird thing- you try to get up, but you're strapped to the ground. The thing holding you down was completely invisible, and it may not even be a thing at all. It was like a force, like you were a magnet, but you could still feel it wrapped around your cold body. You shiver with fright.

For what seems like an eternity, you sit there shivering. You're not cold, but something in you is, and it's chilling you to your core.

You can hear a grinding metallic sound churning from far away, but it seemed too far to actually pose as a threat. You continue to sit, not exactly sure what you are waiting for.

Until your skin starts to prickle.

A chill darts up your spine and you have a small spasm. The churning sound grows louder, and you know it's moving towards you. You don't panic. You just wait, your teeth chattering and your breath coming in and out of your body in quick little gasps.

The noise in growing louder, and object comes into view. It's a tank, and it's moving slowly in your direction. Would it crush you? Blow you up into pieces?

You nearly being to hyperventilate. You yank at whatever is holding you down, but it's not real and your actions do absolutely nothing.

You hang your head, and a shadow looms over you. You're almost afraid to look up, but you do anyway. You are almost shocked to see Bro looking down at you with great interest.

You attempt to say something but you are not in control of your words. The voice heard is yours, but it does not come from your own body.

"What are you doing here?" The voice was echoey and hard to hear. Bro just turns around and looks at the approaching threat and boy was it getting really close really fast.

You both watch as it comes closer, and then it just stops about thirty feet away from where you're trapped. It turned so that the side was facing you, revealing many holes on the side of it.

You both kind of stare at it until the first knife is shot, and misses Bro's thigh by an inch. Another knife shoots out from the machine, and it grazes your face. You are terrified, and momentarily can't move.

You know you're going to die, and Bro is too. You can feel ice cold tears rolling down your cheeks, and you let out a choked sob. Bro gets down onto his knees and hold onto you, his back to the machine.

The knives are firing faster now, and even faster. When the first few miss, you're convinced that the bastard behind this was just messing with you. That's until you hear Bro grunt, and you know a knife has gone into him. You can hear the knives sinking into his flesh. He's bleeding all over you, and you wonder why the knives weren't sailing right through his body and right into yours.

With a sickening sound, a knife manages to hit Bro square in the back of the head, and you see the tip emerge from in between his horror-stricken eyes. He collapses into a heap on the ground, soaked in blood.

You don't cry again. You just kind of stare in shock. The machine has ceased firing.

A figure climbs out, wearing nothing but a gas mask. It seemed human, but it wasn't, and you knew it. It's arms were too long, and its body was very strangely built. The skin- if you could even call it that, looked like the outcome of a human being being skinned and burned alive. It was disgusting.

It strode over, collecting the body in it's long skinny arms. You're angry, you don't want that nasty thing to touch Bro. You can hear its breathing, and it sends chills down your spine. It stares at you for a few moments before carrying Bro's lifeless body away from you.

The floor drops from beneath you, and you wake up.  
\--

You look around you in fright. You're always so surprised to be alive when you wake up, because your dreams always seem like reality. All dreams do, really, until you wake up.

Only something is different. It takes you a moment to realize that Bro is sleeping with his arms wrapped around you. You attempt to wiggle out of his arms but even when asleep, he is much too strong.

He wakes up with a snort, his orange eyes darting wildly from side to side.

"...Whoa..." He whispers. "Just fuckin' whoa man."

You smirk at him, satisfied that he knew what it felt like to... Hold on.

"That was amazing what you did in there, but uh, how exactly did you do that?" You ask.

"A magician never reveals his secrets." You frown at him, but decide to cut him some slack. What he had gone through hadn't been easy. Wow, you were unbelievably thankful for him right now. You wrap your arms around his waist and gave him a little hug.

"Thanks for what you did for me Bro... I really can't thank you enough since going through that is really tough... I mean the knives must have hurt..."

"Hey, uh, John, can we not talk about it for a while? I think I need to recover a bit." Bro yawns and sits up. "That's enough homo cuddles for now."

"But I liked the homo cuddles."

"Then why don't you homo cuddle with Lil Cal while I go shower?" Bro stands up, and you shake your head.

"Thought so." Bro heads out of the room, and you just lay there thinking for a while.

You were really thankful for Bro. He had proved to you what a great and responsible guy he could be. All these years you had thought of him as nothing but a lame tool of a white rapper. But now he meant more to you.

He was also hot. That thought had occurred to you several times in the last few years, but you had knocked it out of your mind with the force of a moderately sized wrecking ball.

Now the wrecking ball was old and worn, and it now failed to destroy the thoughts that run through your mind about Dave's brother.

He is an absolute god, like the ones you had read about in ancient mythology books. He was a sexy god.

And you had slept with him.

You, John Ebgert, are now dealing with a new crush. However, you are completely aware that it would require effort to you get it across that you wanted him to dingle your dongle.

Twiddle your diddle.

Lick your dick. You nearly shudder, you haven't had thoughts this gay since you were dragged to see Magic Mike with a few jackasses who were not your friends.

Unless, of course, if you engaged in some hardcore flirting, which unfortunately wasn't your forte. You really don't have a forte, now that you think about it.

You grab your laptop and turn it on. After what seemed like a half hour, you pull up Google. What an amazing and convenient tool. You begin your research.

how the fuck do i flirt with a hot guy

No, these are for girls.

how the fuck do i flirt with a hot guy if im a guy

Useless pieces of junk websites with really shitty graphics. They also seem to exclude the 'if i'm a guy' part of the question. Damn.

how do i flirt with a hot guy????????

Oh, the website for a popular teen magazine. Trustworthy enough, though this shit was for girls. This shit was for adolescent girls. But the advice is fairly good, and you read on. You memorize. You plan. You feel like a tool.

You go through more sites until the advice begins to get repetitive, close your laptop, and roll onto the floor, landing on the wood with a heavy thud! You're skinny but tall, so you assume the floor is in more pain than you are.

Bro is still in the shower, which is great, because you want to see what he has stored in his personal fridge. You used to think your dad was pretty weird, but the Striders' apartment alone made your dad look like a boring old man. In fact, your dad is a boring old man, though you suspect he and Bro are around the same age.

You go into the only room that could belong to Bro, and you look around. You had been expecting something horrible, but it was pretty normal. A couple of fancy swords on the walls, a poster here or there, some older looking DJ equipment and a computer and hello?

You spot a pretty big pile of GameBro magazines in a corner of the room, so you go over to investigate. They are all recent issues, and you flip through them, and it hits you suddenly.

Bro writes GameBro. Shit. You are such a fucking idiot it's not even funny. However, you can't blame yourself. You'd never read a copy of the shitty thing your entire life.

You hear the shower turn off, and you spring to your feet. You throw open the door to Bro's fridge and grab something and make your way out of the room and back into Dave's.

When Bro leaves the bathroom you pretend to be inspecting a fetus in a jar, though it's gross and weird and you wish it didn't exist.

You place the container of... Whipped freaking cream you had grabbed from the fridge next to one of your bags, grab your items for freshening up, and proceed to take a nice cool shower, since this is not Washington, and this apartment is literally the surface of the fucking sun.

\--

You're all showered and fresh and you feel like a supermodel, but you're just John, and that upsets you a bit. Bro is lounging on the futon while on his laptop. When he hears you come in, he sets it down and gets up.

"Let's go." You get a little excited.

"Where?"

"Somewhere I can get myself a mountain of French toast. We're also taking your car, so grab your keys." You roll your eyes and get retrieve them from the coffee table. As you two ascend the staircase to hell (the lobby), the silence is painfully awkward. Your hands are shoved into the pockets of your cargos, and your eyes focus on your feet.

When walking to the car, you feel like you are going to melt into a pile of ecto slime right there in the middle of the parking lot. You wonder how and why Bro goes out in jeans. Your state is like an Easy Bake oven compared to this, and Washington summers get pretty hot!

Speaking of hot, you check out Bro's outfit. He's wearing a pair of gray jeans with another black wife beater, complete with shades, hat, and gloves. Damn, he dresses like such a tool but he is so unbelievable sexy that you ignore it.

You feel like nothing compared to him. You regret wearing a black t-shirt. Heck, you regret bringing a black t-shirt. You could take it off, of course, but there are two reasons you would never do that ever unless you are in a situation where you have to.

1\. You're too skinny for this shit. It's unattractive.

2\. It's ghetto as hell. Please.

You both hop into your beautiful rental car, and Bro tells you where to go as you drive. In an attempt to make conversation as well as get your flirt on with the man sitting just beside you, you say in a jokingly cool voice,

"You know, Bro, we slept together last night." He looks at you as you wiggle your eyebrows. He smirks and decides to play along.

"I always do enjoy being the bigger spoon. Perhaps tonight we can diddle each others' dongles."

"It's dingle dongle twiddle diddle."

"What?"

"Never mind." A pause. Not an awkward one but it's still a pause. Bro tells you to make a turn and you do.

"Bro, do you still work on the GameBro magazines?" You ask. The flirting had failed for now, so normal conversation would have to do.

"I'm going to finish up soon, since I kind of have a lot on my plate. It's not like anybody reads it anyway." You frown and feel guilty. It's a pretty shitty magazine, but the fact that actual people had taken time to play games and write about them makes you sad. You sort of wish you had purchased more copies than the four or five you left at home.

"I do binge game from time to time, though." Bro adds with a grin. "The place is in that plaza to the right." You make a right.

\--

The inside of the restaurant smells like any old breakfast place, but the inside was pretty big, and the waiting area was neat and well-kept. While you wait for a table, you look at the menu.

"So you're telling me that that sell more than just Texas toast here?" You ask, scanning the menu, and Bro snorts.

He decides to share a menu with you, and you get really close to him so that your arms touch when you look at the choices. You feel like an anime schoolgirl. If your kokoro could doki doki any harder you're pretty sure it would tear a hole through your chest before dropping to the ground and exploding in its landing spot.

You are an idiot, John Egbert. You are an idiot for getting excited at the fact that Bro's arm sweat is smearing against yours. It's gross in a romantic way. 

It's actually not very romantic at all. Bro remembers that he came "all the way out to this shithole of a town" for French toast, and to avoid looking like an indecisive idiot, you go with waffles. Damn, do you love waffles.

A woman asks if there is anyone else in the party, and when you say no, she brings you to a table next to the window. It was like a romantic breakfast date, only the date is one sided as well as the romance part.

The sexual frustration is kicking in. Bro is staring out the window like and anime protagonist and it's so friggin' cute you- notice he is looking at you from the side of his shades.

And you're staring. You flush. Oh crap. You've gone and done it. You have turned your life into a really bad television show and it keeps getting worse.

Now, if you don't say something stupid, maybe you can-

"Enjoying the views now, Johnathan?" You wince. You can't get anything to come out of your mouth. You...

"You hair is like a brilliant flame that dances upon your head. Only blond." You are so going to hurt yourself for this.

"Thanks for the lovely words, Mr. Smooth."

"Only the gayest of words for my dear Strider." Bro smirks at you while you bat your eyelashes. You wonder if he know that you're being 100% serious about this whole thing.

The waitress returns, ("Took long enough," Bro mumbles under his breath, and you kick him under the table.) and you order your food. She returns in a couple of minutes with water, and you down it in a few seconds.

"So," Bro says, and you look at him.

"Why don't you educate me more on these nightmares of yours." He raises his eyebrows and waits, while you sigh. You barely know what to say or how to begin.

"Well, they started when I was about thirteen. It happened one night and I couldn't sleep for a while. When I got over it, I didn't have another one until I was fourteen. They happened occasionally for the next few years. They only began to occur frequently about six months ago." Your foot is tapping very quickly and lightly, and you're staring at your hands on the table's surface.

"John, calm down," Bro says gently, and he puts his hand on top of yours. You're too busy flipping out to flip out. You let out a rather shaky breath and continue.

"The third time it happened, my dad took me to several people. A psychologist, a dream interpreter, but nothing worked. They didn't know what to do, and it was a big waste of money, and I had to deal with it. Now they come so often that I'm almost too scared to sleep." You put your forehead on he table and mumble nonsense against it. Bro doesn't seem to have anything to say, so you keep going.

"Now I don't know what to do about anything anymore." You pick your head up. Bro is running his fingers along his stubble, and it's so cute that you almost smile. The waitress brings your food, and her eyes linger on you two a little longer then they should. You two probably look like a couple.

A couple of idiots, that is. The waitress goes away, and Bro finally opens his mouth.

"Why are you so concerned? I'll just take the hits for you, and it'll all be good." Come on. You thought Bro was smarter than this. Wow.

"Bro, you have no idea how guilty I feel about you taking all the pain instead of me. I think it's selfish." You avert your eyes and pick up your fork. You poke at your waffles. They smell awesome, but you're kind of spoiling your own appetite. Bro is almost done with half of his fancy French toast.

"Dude, it's okay. I can handle it. It's all over when the dream's done, isn't it?" He says with a mouthful of toast and strawberry sauce. He wipes the syrup from his lips with a napkin. 

"Bro, what will happen when I leave, though? I'm going to college in New fucking England." Bro shrugs. You pour syrup onto your waffles, cut into them, and take a bite. Damn. These are some good ass waffles. You feel better already. Bro must have seen the look on your face, because he was smiling. You shovel more food into your mouth because food makes everything better. All is good.

Bro taps your arm, points to your waffles, and then points to his open mouth. You put a piece of waffle onto your fork and feed it to him, and wow is Bro Strider cute.

"Wow man, you look like you're taking the greatest piss of your life." He says to you, and you laugh.

"I can say the same thing about you!" Bro sticks his tongue out at you and it's covered in chewed up waffle and it's gross, but you don't mind. You don't mind because you and Bro are flirting with each other, and it's perfect.

Bro leans back in his seat, crossing his arms as he exhales heavily. His toast is gone and the waitress was getting more.

"So," he says drowsily. "Your dad takes pretty good care of you, hm?" Okaaay?

"...Yeah, why?"

"I don't know..." He looks up at the ceiling. "Your dad's pretty hot."

"Ugh, Bro!" Your face twists like a wet towel. "Why?" Bro just shrugs.

"Ugh, my Dad's in love with Rose Lalonde's mom anyway," John huffs. Bro reaches over and ruffles John's hair.

"Aww, he's a heterosex just like his son," he coos through pursed lips, and you frown even more.

"I-" you begin to say shout, but you catch yourself. Bro quirks a tar-colored eyebrow. You look down at the single cold waffle remaining on your plate, and dump a lifetime's supply of syrup on it before attempting to shove the whole thing in your mouth. Bro looks at you all funny but you ignore him.

The waitress brings his French toast. Perfect timing.

\--

In the car, you need Bro has you stop at a couple of stores, so you run in and buy some things. Food, video games, music, electronics. Things that are essential for survival on Earth.

On the way back to the apartment, a sudden thought occurs to you, and you chew your lip.

"Bro, can you read minds?"

"No."

"Okay." You are so relieved. Bro is looking at you all funny again. Whatever.

You miss the next turn, increasing the time to get back by a whole two minutes. Bro seems a bit pissed off at you, but you ignore it.

In the apartment's lobby, you bump into Bro and mutter an apology before proceeding.

While going up the stairs, you trip and nearly fall backwards into Bro.

After Bro unlocks the door, you both reach for the knob, and your hands touch. Bro stares at you, and you are scared for a moment. Bro opens the door, you two step in, and Bro closes it back.

"Damn, I thought I had the right to open my own damn door, Egbert."

"Blue eyes, white privilege," you say, tapping your glasses. Then you head towards Dave's room, you should really talk to Jade...

"John. Hold on."

You stop dead in your tracks.

"Shoes off in the house," Bro reminds you, and you calm down and take off your sneakers. Okay at-

"John, come here." Bro says firmly, and you tense up. You walk towards him stiffly, and he's glaring at you. You can see his orange eyes under his shades, so you stare down at your socks. Jade had bought you those socks from a Japanese website, and the cute characters are now striking you as amazingly interesting.

"So John, what's your deal?" Hm? You give him a puzzled look.

"John, don't play games with me. I know something's up."

"What?" Shit. He's onto you. Where was the dude in the zebra costume when you needed him?

"John."

"Bro."

"Johnathan B for butt Egbert."

"Bro you are invading my comfort zone." And with that you back away and fast walk into Dave's room. Sheesh, that was a close one. And you're also a coward. A big wiener sausage, but whatever, everything is hard. Everything but the internet. You get onto your laptop and open Pesterchum.

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 13:14 --

EB: rose.

EB: rose i'm going to cry.

A sudden cold feeling sweeps upon you but you ignore it, since the window is always open and wind was not a weird thing.

TT: What's the matter, John? Are you not enjoying Bro's company?

EB: no, i'm enjoying his company all right.

EB: a little too much, perhaps.

EB: i seem to have developed a crush on him. well okay, i didn't quite develop it, it kind of slammed into my heart like a hand to an ass.

EB: bro's metaphoric hand slapped my heart's ass.

TT: Beautiful. So have you tried flirting? Oh, wait.

TT: Watching John Egbert attempt to flirt is one of the saddest things any human could ever witness.

TT: My Bad.

EB: hey! actually, it was pretty bad. i got the advice from a teen magazine website.

TT: Ouch.

EB: for girls.

TT: Oof.

EB: yeah, so i

You don't finish the sentence because someone clears their throat behind you. And by someone you mean Bro fucking Strider. Your whole body goes cold and you yelp with surprise.

EB: ROSE!! OH MY GOD!!!1111!!

TT: What???

EB: he's sitting right behind me

EB: watching our conversation and I THING HE MIGHT HAVE SEEN PRETTY MUCH ALL OF IT FUCKING HELL.

TT: Oh my God.

EB: what do i do????????

EB: rose????????????????????????

TT: gvihuyggycfrdrcft cgy

EB: rose???

TT: I'm very sorry, I'm laughing so hard that I smashed the keyboard with my fist. My bad.

EB: rose do you think this is some kind of joke????

TT: Rose Lalonde proceeds to "ROTFL".

EB: Goddammit!!!!

TT: Rose's posterior disconnects from her body.

TT: She seems to have "Laughed Her Ass Off".

EB: lhao.

EB: oh my god he is just here watching me flip out and get sassed by you and it's super awkward because i'm not saying anything to him!!1!

EB: he's reading everything i'm typing right now and i don't know what to do!

TT: Talk to him.

EB: rose no.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 13:20 --

"John," Bro whispers in your ear, and you nearly jump out of your skin. You turn around to face him. He's sitting cross legged behind you.

"How did you-" you begin to ask, but he shushes you, pressing a finger against your lips too hard for it to be romantic in any way.

"So, daddy's boy here digs dick?"

"No! I-" His finger is pressed to your lips again.

"I knew something was up. And I agree with Lalonde, your flirting fucking sucks." You are seriously offended and pull his finger off of your lips. You huff and cross your arms, but he ignores you.

"So, what else did you learn from your teen magazine, huh John?" Bro wiggles his stupid eyebrows at you. Why the hell are they so dark? He probably fucking dyes his hair blonde. What a poser.

"Come on John, share the info. Nobody's listening but me." He's on the verge of laughing and you are so mad, you're so fucking mad that you-

You grab him and kiss his smug-ass face. Right on his lips that were about to laugh at you. Here's a tip you had remembered from your shitty teen magazine.

Kiss him first.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading my fic, despite its cheesy cliche title and cheesy cliche romance! i appreciate your kind words. in addition to that, this is the most fun i've ever had when typing a fic! it doesn't feel like work. i almost want to end my other fic to make time for this one. also html fucking sucks.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> john, no.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, i know this pretty much spoils the entire chapter, but for the sake of my readers, i'm putting a TRIGGER WARNING for CONTENT INVOLVING SUICIDE.

You're feeling a lot of things right now. A lot of things, and your head is filled with little emotions bumping around, knocking into each other, and just driving you absolutely nuts. 

At first you're thinking about how much of an idiot you are. Come on, you're kissing a man that's about the same age as your dad. But that thought is squished flat when he kisses you back. Your faces are pressed together and you're both leaning in and boy you really weren't expecting this. His hands go to your waist and squeeze and you take a breath before diving back in. Bro pulls away and takes you top lip between his. Your fingers tangle in his smooth hair while he sucks on your lip. 

You almost want to squeal like a little girl but you can't because you're not a little girl and you're also a man now. Men don't squeal. But they can be playful. You pull your lip from in between Bro's and move to nip at his neck a little. He lays on his back and you hold onto his hard shoulders and bite his neck gently. 

You feel him shudder when you ghost your lips up the length of his neck, and he twitches when you blow from your nostrils onto him. 

His gloved hands move to your ass and gives it a tight squeeze. You bite his neck and he squeezes it even harder.

This is a perfect moment. A seriously perfect moment, and you never want it to end ever-  
Bro's phone buzzes in his pocket. Damn. The magic is gone. You watch Bro dreamily as he answers his phone.  
"Hello? Now there's a voice I haven't heard in a lifetime, what's up? ...Excuse me, what? Are you kidding me? 

Man, you can't just call a guy back after he quit his job nearly two years ago.

...That is a lot... But have you heard, I'm fucking loaded.

Are you serious? ...Fine, I'll be there."

Bro looks at you. You look at Bro. He exhales.

"I guess I have to DJ at my old club tonight. I don't know when I'll be back... Guess you're on your own, John." You drop your head onto his chest, doing nothing to hided the disappointment on your face. 

"It's alright," you mumble "Do your thing, I guess." Bro massages your scalp. 

"I'm sorry..." 

"It's cool."

"I have to..." His thumb is pointing to the door.

"S'cool" You crawl off of him and Bro gets up and stretches. His phone buzzes again. Ha. Look who's popular today. He answers it.

"Heeeello? Oh, hey Dave. Wh-

What? Why?" After a pause, Bro laughs. "What the fuck did you do?

Hmm, okay, how early is early?

Save a horse, ride a cowboy.

Whatever bro, see you then." He hangs up the phone.

"Yeah and also Dave's coming back tomorrow." Bro walks out.

You're excited again because you get to see your best friend in person for the first time in years. However, your time to spend with Bro is cut short. You guess you'll find a way around that soon enough.

You have an entire summer. By the end, Bro will be 100% yours. 

Yes, you have plenty of time. 

You grab your laptop and decide to pester Jade because she deserves it. She helped you with this whole nightmare noise, and messaging her would be the best payment. Because you're really cool. And getting pestered by you is the best thing that can happen to anyone.

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 13:41 --

EB: earth to jade!

EB: man do i have stuff to tell you. so much stuff jade, SO MUCH STUFF.

GG: im here and tell me!!! :DD

GG: begin with what happened between you and bro!!

GG: i want to know!

EB: what? did rose tell you already?

GG: im still laughing

EB: shut up. i totally scored.

GG: what?? you two...

GG: uhh...

EB: no!!!!! we just made out a bit i guess...

GG: really?? john thats great but

GG: isnt he your dad's age? and hes daves brother, john, dont forget that. :(

GG: i mean its not like i dont want you to be happy!!!

GG: i thought you were straight anyway :\

EB: i don't know... bro is really hot, but i guess i didn't really notice until we had   
slept together...

GG: whoaa there daddy back it up!! 

GG: you did WHAT now?

EB: it was part of the nightmare thingy thing.

EB: allow me to explain.

GG: please do :O

EB: it was a dark and stormy night...

GG: :/\/\/\/\//\/\/\/\/\/\/

EB: what even is that face.

GG: john.

EB: your fault. so anyway, bro was all like "yeah i'll see what i can do. just go to sleep" and i was   
thinking "wow thanks dude you're really helping me out"

EB: so i go to bed and i start dreaming. the nightmares are coming more frequently, btw.

GG: DD:

EB: whup, save it for the end.

GG: //:

EB: yeah so something happened, i think i was tied up or some shit, and i'm like "whoa what the fuck is even happening why can't a break free from these here chains" except they were invisible and i wasn't thinking that much.

EB: but then bro is there and i'm like "ok wow this is not a normal thing".

GG: UU:

EB: ...

GG: the two-mouthed man is trying not to laugh.

GG: at your bondage

EB: didn't i tell the two-mouthed man to shut it?

GG: //:

EB: aHEM, so i was thinking "whoa ok cool what", but then the knives and oh my god...

EB: he just

EB: protected me from all those knives and they took him away from me.

GG: )):

EB: it's okay little dude.

GG: ))':

EB: two mouth... don't cry...

GG: ))":

GG: uhm, john, as much as i dont want to say this, do you think...

GG: ...you may only like bro for what he did?

EB: hm?

EB: sorry, you sent your message before i sent mine.

EB: hold on a fucking second. i see what you're doing.

GG: apparently i dont??????

EB: this was in an episode of icarly! where freddy saved carly from the taco truck! dammit jade!

GG: john, i, going to leave if youre not going to take me seriously!!

EB: i'm serious though!

EB: the whole "you only like him for what he did thing".

GG: john, im serious too. just think about it, and if you do like him, great!!

GG: ill give you some time.

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 13:51 --

EB: jade!

You're mad. Jade knows nothing. Fuck her and her iCarly references. You love Bro, not only because he's the solution to your problems, but because he's hot and funny too.

Oh shit. The solution to your problems. You're making him sound like an object, when he's more to you than that. So much more. You had made out, for God's sake!

You just... Don't want to think. You need a break. So what do you do? John! You're in Austin Texas! Explore,do things, engage in normal human activities! So you do. You go out in your beautiful rental, Lucille, and park somewhere in the city. You shop. You buy some food and do a little picnic in a park, thinking about the awesome classes you're going to be taking come autumn. You talk to girls who try to flirt with you, and you watch as they back off after discovering you're a big nerd. You genuinely enjoy your alone time in this city.

When evening fell, you're finishing off some ice cream on the way to your car and it dawns on you... Why did Bro leave so early to set up his equipment. You're no DJ, but it doesn't take an expert to know that it shouldn't take hours upon hours to set up equipment. Maybe he was just avoiding... Awkwardness? Ah, you don't know and you don't care. All you are about is this delicious mint cookie dough ice cream.

In your car, you sit while finishing off your yummy sugar cone and think about your problems. Your sleep related problems. Is this a thing that happened to other people? Why is it happening to you of all people? Why can't there be a solution without someone being hurt?

Your thoughts make you sick, and you get out of your car to finish throw away the last bit of your ice cream. You feel sick, and you stand by the bin a while in case your stomach feels like it needs a refund. How gross. Vomit is disgusting. Life is disgusting. You return to Lucille and drive back towards the apartment. 

When you return, it's dark and humid and a little gloomy. You're really upset, and as much as you'd like to sleep to get rid of these emotions, you can't for obvious reasons and it sucks. Everything sucks. And Bro isn't here for you. You were counting on him to protect you and he ran off to go DJ for horny tools who have bad taste in music, clothing, and life decisions in general.

Fuck Bro. Just... Fuck that guy. Fuck everyone and everything and fuck the one who decided to scar you with these dreams that are destroying you from the inside out. You, John Egbert used to be a fairly happy kid, until this horrible things began to happen in your sleep. You were sleep-depraved and helpless. It took your father a long time to understand the extremities of these nightmares. You had had to deal with them one your own for a while, and over time, you had learned to cope. Just fuck everything that breathed and everything that didn't breathe. You want to make anything the breathed stop breathing. God dammit, oh god dammit.

You need to fucking sleep. You give in. The bed beckons, though it's still pretty early. You don't even bother to ditch your clothing, you're so mentally exhausted. You had thought so much today and you need a mental break. 

It takes you almost no time to drift off into a deep sleep...  
\--

Great. Just fucking great. You're on a cold, cold metal platform, and your wrists and ankles are bound to it. The room you're in smells like blood, and the walls appear to be the most disgusting looking concrete surfaces you've ever laid eyes on. They're covered in mold, blood, and other things that really can't exclusively identified with the sense of sight.

The room is dim except for a bright light that hangs low over your body. You hear a door open from a place you can't see, and then footsteps and the rattle of wheels and clattering metal things.

The man stands over you and looks over your body. You notice that you're naked but your fear drowns your embarrassment in the sea that was your emotions. 

The doctor is wearing a dirty mask, and a dirty uniform covered in blood and other body fluids that should almost never be found on that sort of clothing. You can't make out his features, but you can see what he's holding.

A scalpel. Your eyes widen in terror. The scalpel is dirty, rusty, bloody, and probably extremely disease-ridden. You panic, you try to scream ad break free but nothing works. Your body doesn't listen to you. It does all the wrong things. You want to move but you can't. You want to settle down but you can't. You want to cry but you can't.

When the tip of the sharp scalpel presses to your skin you want to spasm but you can't. As the doctor slowly slides the object from your upper shin down to your foot, you can't scream or kick and the pain is unbearable. Your skin is split near to the bone and the blood is oozing and your vision blurs. When you calm down as much as you can (which is not a lot at all), he does your other leg. It hurts.

The doctor is completely silent as he moved on and put the tip of the scalpel to your chest. You want to beg but your vocal cords are back in the real world (which is not a reality for you right now).

He slices you open from chest to pelvis, soaking up some of the blood with the nastiest looking towel you've ever seen and smelled.   
You stare down in horror at your own innards. They're pulsing with blood that should all be gone, and your head lolls back. You can barely handle the sight, but you can't pass out. Not here. 

You're in so much pain that your thoughts are a mess, and you can't think of anything that makes sense. You think about people you've never seen and bands you've never heard, and for a moment, the pain is nearly gone.

That is, of course, until the doctor leans in to inspect your body even closer. You nearly piss your operation table. Bro is the doctor, the doctor is him, and... This is all so fucked up. 

He puts both bare hands around a lung, you assume, and tugs at it. You wince and bite your bleeding lip. You think you hiss too. He tugs at the slippery thing until it finally tears out. You bang your head against the metal surface, and he puts a disgusting bloody hand on your face to prevent you from doing it again. 

He proceeds to rip out nearly every organ he could, having extra fun with the small and large intestines. 

You can feel yourself slipping, and before you go out, Bro kisses your bloody forehead.  
\--

This time when you wake up, you actually scream. You begin to cry like the first time this had happened. You sob and sob. You're alone. You're helpless. You're miserable and nobody is there for you. 

All you had asked for was for somebody to help you through this thing while you stayed here with your best friend and his brother. That's all. Bro doesn't care. Nobody cares. You hate every fucking person on this shithole planet and you hope they're dissected as well. Fuck everyone. 

You run out of the room and out the door or the apartment. You nearly sprint up the stair to the roof, still crying. Your chest hurts, and the humid night air does not help at all. 

The sun was not in view yet, but it's rays had already touched the night sky. You go to the edge of the building and look down.

This is your chance to end it all. You can't fucking do this. You can't do any of this. People are useless and stupid and selfish. So fucking selfish. 

You take a few steps back. You hear steps behind you and look. Bro is just staring, his mouth gaping. Perfect fucking timing, asshole. You run, and Bro shouts behind you. Right on the edge of the building, you bend your knees and jump. 

The free fall lasts about a nanosecond. You nearly choke when Bro grabs the back of your shirt, and you dangle over the edge. 

"John, what the fuck are you doing?" Bro is outraged, and he can't keep himself from shouting. Bro is loud.

"Duh, I'm fucking killing myself, are you fucking blind?" You retort, still sobbing. You're shaking so much that you think it's permanent, and you realize how scared you are. Oh god.

"Are you fucking crazy? Are you fucking stupid? You selfish little prick! I leave for a single night to make a bit of cash and you're here jumping off ledges!" Bro is shaking too, and you can see the anger in his eyes behind the shades. They seemed to be glowing.

"John, I want you to look down." His voice is shaking, and you think he might cry. Of course he's not going to, because grown men don't cry, but he looks like it.

"John, look the fuck down." He snarls, and you do and dear fucking hell. You almost fell from this fucking height. You're the stupid one. You're the selfish one. You start to cry again. You're loud and the sobs seem powerful enough to break your ribs. You can barely control your breathing as Bro carries you back downstairs.

You cry as he puts you in his bed and lays down next to you. He wraps his body around yours, stroking your hair and muttering things into your ear. You don't know what he's saying, but you know they're sweet things and you cry even harder. He kisses your wet cheeks over and over until you calm down a little.

You eventually fall asleep again, and you don't dream. Well, at least you don't think you do...


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i apologize for any typos, but i'm trying to do a quick upload here. i want to get some actual sleep for once.  
> also  
> problem sleuth jokes,,,,,

When you awake the the next morning (it's still pretty early because you kind of couldn't sleep that well), the spot next to you is empty. You were sort of expecting an intimate greeting filled with hugs and kisses and soothing words, but instead you hear some bustle in the kitchen. Bro is doing things that don't involve you. Okay.

You get up to brush and shower and throw on a pair of jeans, since you had fallen asleep in your clothing the previous evening and didn't feel like getting a new shirt.

When you go out into the kitchen to say good morning to Bro, he doesn't whisk you up into his arms and kiss you. Nope. He does this instead.

"John, go sit in that chair over there." He demands, pointing.  
You look over, and... It's a chair that's facing a wall in the corner. It's a goddamn chair that's facing a wall in the corner. It's a mother-flippin' chair that's facing a wall in the goddamn corner.

You give him a look that says "are you fucking with me?" in about thirty different languages, and his face says "no I'm fucking not." in about forty. Dear God. You give him a nasty look and plop down in the chair. He hands you a bowl of cereal which you barely touch because you're really not all that hungry. 

You sulk in the corner while Bro gets ready for something.... What was the special thing... That was supposed to be going on... Today...  
Oh, Dave's arrival. Great. You're really not in the mood to talk about all this. 

"When's Dave coming?" You ask, and Bro answers more cheerfully than you thought he would.

"Well, if I'm correct, he's probably climbing the stairs to get here right about now."

You were about to say "that's bullshit" when the door fucking swings open and Dave is standing in it looking like a smug-ass king. 

"Hey little bro." Bro says to him, manly embracing him like a man. "John, nobody said you could turn around."

You face the wall.

"Yeah hey bro um why in the name of Satan's buttcrack is John here?" You can feel his eyes scanning your back and you tense up. "And why the hell is he sitting in the corner?"

"Surprise..." You moan, and you hear Dave's footsteps behind you.

"What's up, John?" You begin to answer, but Bro interrupts with

"John's not allowed to talk until I say so." Dave laughs.

"What did he do, Bro?" He asks.

"Well it seems your nerdy little friend has taken a liking to throwing himself off of buildings."

"What?"

"Hey, I-" You attempt to cut in.

"Shut up."

"Fuck!"

"Nyeh!"

"What the fuck is even going on in here?" Dave shouts while clawing at his own face. 

"Why the fuck didn't you tell me you were in Las flippin' Vegas?" You shoot at Dave, and Bro snorts. Dave smirks, but then his mouth turns down and his expression goes cold.

"John, I brought you back a prostitute."

"What?" But why would he... Oh no.

"Yeah, I did, only I sent her to your address because I didn't know you were here, you piece of ass crap."

"But my dad's home alone."

"Looks like Neon will be there to fill his void." Haha. Her name is Neon. How fucking lame.

"My dad is seeing Rose's mom, you anal tumor!" Dave just shrugs. "Anyway, I don't need a damn prostitute. I appreciate the gesture though, Dave."

"Thanks for costing me like ninety dollars John. Haha, bitch probably had STDs anyway."

You both laugh, but Bro decides to ruin your fun.

"Okay, so John, explain to Dave why you're sitting here in this chair."

"I tried to end my freakin' life, that's why." You sneer.

"Why?" Dave quirks a light eyebrow and you frown loudly.

"Uhh, well... So I have bad dreams sometimes." Fuck, why is he doing this to you? You don't deserve this! Ah, well, maybe you do...

"Okay John, that can't be it." Dave is looking right at you, and you feel really uneasy and lightheaded. You would probably vomit if you had eaten any cereal.

"They're really really bad, okay?" You snap, and Dave holds his hands up. "So anyway, a few hours ago, I sort of tried to jump off of the roof..." Dave's mouth sort of opens and closes again, and you nearly laugh at him. He seems to have nothing to say, so Bro stands up and tugs on his sleeve.

"Dave, things are gonna get real tense up in here, so go down the street and buy some food or something. Go get yourself one of your stupid hipster CD's too, while you're at it."

"But I just got here, can't I-"

"If you don't leave now I will come into your room tonight and shave the word 'anus' onto the back of your head again."

Dave nods and nearly runs out of the apartment, and when the door shuts, you gulp.

"John Egbert, boy do we have a lot to discuss."

"Hooray."

"Got anything to say, smart-ass?" You think of a smart thing to say back but really, you don't think you should do this to Bro. It hasn't even been a week and you're already stressing him the hell out.

"How did you know I was on the roof?" You ask with a bit more acid then you had intended.

"You left all the goddamn doors open you miniature tool."

"Oh." 

You both sigh in unison. You are not allowed to sigh in unison, this is not a sitcom. This is a shitcom.

"John, I can't believe how selfish you are. Do you know how many people you would have hurt if I hadn't saved your ass? Were you even thinking?" Bro looks sad, and you don't blame him. You're the ass. It is you.

"Nobody would have cared..." You mumble.

"Are you kidding me? Think about the people that love you, John. Think about your dad, think about Dave, think about that Rose chick and her mom. Think  
about your other friends that love you. Think about me, John."

You flush because that happens to be the cheesiest, most cliche, and cutest thing anyone has ever said to you. You want to cry. You're so sorry for causing all this trouble for Bro. You just want to chill with Dave and make out with Bro. Not make men in shades cry. 

"I'm so sorry..." You mumble, and Bro literally falls onto the futon. He tells you to sit with him, and you do. You snuggle up against him and he strokes your hair. Wow, John, you don't cry! 

"John, I'm sorry for leaving you... I know I didn't have to take that DJing job..." Bro's stubble is scratching your forehead and you wrap your arms around his waist.

"It's all good," you say softly, and you bury your face in his shirt. "I won't be a selfish little pussy next time, I swear." Your words are muffled and Bro is probably ticklish because he squirms.

"You know," You mutter while laying yourself down onto your stomach and placing your chin on one of Bro's legs. "Dave may not be here for a while."

"John, I don't want to fuck you yet."

"No, you don't have to, I just want to... Engage in some sexy sexy things, that's all."

You look up at him, and he's smirking down at you and hell yes. Let the sexy times begin, bitches.

You sit up and immediately grab Bro's face. Your tongue slides into his mouth and your tongues tango for a while. His mouth tastes minty, and you notice that he has gum in it. You pull it into your own mouth and pull away from Bro, chewing happily.

"Sick..." He twists his facial expression and you laugh. 

"Bro, did I kill your erect blood sausage?"

"My blood sausage is still limp and flaccid as your sense of humor, you pale piece of shit."

"I am not pale, oh my God!"

"It's all right, you'll be flushing red soon enough anyway."

You roll your eyes and kiss his dumb face again, and his cold hands move up and down your back. You pull his shades off and toss them onto the floor and he does the same with your glasses. He cups your ass with his hands and you lace your fingers in his hair. 

Bro decides to do that great thing where he sucks your lip, and you love it. When he stops, you want to complain, but then he nibbles behind your ear. 

You move your hands under his shirt and play with his nipples gently. You're no good at thins, but he seems to like it and you're happy.

Bro drags his tongue down your neck and you shudder and whimper and bite your lip. You're getting pretty hard and all this is pretty great.  
When Bro begins to unbutton your pants you're just as nervous as you are horny. And you're pretty damn horny right now. 

As he messes with your fly he trails kisses along your collarbone. When he slides his hand around your dick and brings it out of your underwear, you close your eyes and resist the urge to touch yourself. Another person is looking at your dick. And touching it. Scratch that one off the bucket list, hell yeah.

Bro runs his thumb up and down the length of your hardening cock, feeling the veins, and you whine because you want him to do more to you. So much more.

You almost sob when he moves away from your dick and sits up.

"Lie on your back," Bro says, and you obey. He positions himself on top of you, and kneels where he is. He then unbuttons his pants, revealing his rather huge boner and lies on top of you again. Bro places his hands around your waist and grinds his crotch against yours repeatedly, and this thing here is one million times better than jacking off.

He moves his hands down to your ass again and holds on tight as his dick rubs against yours. You moan like a fucking pornstar. 

You roll your hips and messily grind into his groin and the friction feels so amazing and you don't want it to stop. You really wouldn't mind doing this for the rest of your life. Gay sex is awesome.

The pleasure in your body is building up and you know you're going to climax soon. Your body is hot and slick with sweat and so is Bro's, and you're moaning and gasping and your eyes are squeezed so tightly you're nearly seeing stars. 

Bro grinds into you harder, his strong hips rolling against your own working body and god do you want him to fuck you so hard and... Pleasure sweeps across your body as you come, and your back arches and you were never this flexible were you? You let out a scream as your come splatters onto Bro's body and onto yours as well. 

Bro finishes off on you, and you watch his gorgeous facial expressions as he climaxes.

Wow. Your heart is beating like a fucking breakcore beat and you're4 so tired and feel so gross but so amazing. Bro is amazing. You wrap your arms around his limp, sweaty body and kiss his forehead. The two of you lie there and cuddle for a few minutes before changing your clothing.

Dave arrives about ten minutes later. He has all of your favorite snacks. What a great guy.  
\--

It turns out that instead of buying a CD, Dave bought an entire fucking season of a shitty looking anime. The cover is ridiculously girly and sparkly, like someone had Blingee'd the cover of Mario Party 8 and plastered some anime schoolgirls onto it.

"Is this hentai?" you ask.

"No."

"Yuri?"

"No."

"Can we watch something else?"

"No."

The three of you settle on the futon and start watching, and you think it takes a master to make an anime blow so hard. Damn.

You are about to speak your disapproval, but Bro says it before you do.

"This shit blows smoke clouds, signaling to the Japanese gods of shitty anime that they have successfully slaughtered another innocent American mind." 

Dave tells him to shut his piss-guzzling trap and Bro slaps him. When you snicker Dave kicks your shin.

Looks like somebody enjoys their shitty anime.  
\--

It's nearly five hours later and you three are really into this anime.This is the best shit you've ever seen! The action is intense, the romance is sweet, and the tradgedy is... Tragic! It's a cinematic masterpiece and you're crying true anime tears.

The DVD is done. You three are done.

Life is beautiful.

"I'd so do Yume," Dave breathes. You shake your head because Yume was a bitch, anyone with eyes could see that. 

"Hanako was the shit Dave, Yume was a bitch and you know it." You cross your arms and huff, tossing your invisible mane of long flowing hair.

"Rubi was pretty amazing..." Bro mutters nearly inaudibly, and you and Dave both laugh because Rubi was a moe piece of trash. You are through with conversation because if it went on, strife would follow.

Dave invites you to play some games with him while Bro does his work. Only Dave doesn't want to play games yet. He wants to talk. Well shit.

You sit. Dave closes his bedroom door and kind of walks in a little circle in the middle of his room. The window is open and you can hear crows flying around in the sweltering heat. How did they do that?

"John, I don't understand why you wouldn't tell me about this, I mean not to be a douche about it, but couldn't you have just mentioned it so I could be aware of it, or-"

"Dave, slow down. I really don't like talking about it as it is. When they first started I didn't know who to tell... Until yesterday, only my dad and Jade knew about it."

Dave pulls his shirt over his head and discards it onto the floor. 

"Don't you think Rose could have helped you with it?"

"She would have made it worse," you grumble, and Dave snorts. He picks up one if his gross jarred specimens to inspect.

"Would you have told me about it, John?" Dave sounds sincere and he's not using any weird metaphors or stupid similes and you feel as if you've upset him.

"Dave, I'm sorry, but I don't think I would have been able to handle jokes about this shit back then." You look at Dave again and his bare back is no longer facing you. You can tell by his eyebrows that he's a little offended.

"John, I think I would have been able to respect that then." There's a bit of a sneer in his voice and you really don't want to fight, gosh. "Anyway, how long ago did this start?"

" A few years ago," you answer gloomily. You don't want to talk, you just want to have fun with your best bro. "Dave, it was a hard thing for me to deal with and it is now, so please don't hate me for not telling you all these years, alright?"

Dave nods and sits next to you on the bed again. What else do you need to talk about before the gaming begin?

"John, did you really try to kill yourself this morning?" No shit Sher-cock. But you nod.

"I swear to God, if you ever try that again I'll never talk to you as long as I shall fucking breathe this shitty poinonous earth air, got it? I'll ignore you so hard that the underground people forgotten in the sand by their so called lovers will laugh at you, and nobody can rub your back and give you a lollipop because you'll be less regarded than the common cold."

You laugh, and Dave smiles. Real Dave was back, hell yes. 

"Dave, that made no sense!" 

"It would if you had a high school diploma." And Dave freaking slides his damn diploma from under his bed and throws it at you and you crack up.

Ever since you guys had graduated, Dave had always found a way to mention his diploma, and seeing him actually do it in front of you makes you so happy. 

"My dad framed my diploma. Whenever he passes by it he just stops and stares and shakes his head."

"Your dad is weird."

"Is he ever!"

Dave is the best. Bro is the best. Dave and Bro Strider are the best. And boy do you love Bro... Hmm...

"Dave can I tell you something that may forever shake our friendship?"

"... Lay it on me, dude." Okay herewegoherewegoherewegoherewego. John, just say it, Jesus poopies...

"Dave, I'm..." Your heart is thudding in your chest and dear God this is nerve-wracking. Your nerves are like crickets in a goddamn freezer. Frick frick frick.

"Dave, I have the hots for your brother." Dave's face doesn't change, making the situation a lot worse. Mother of pearl. You want to scream for some reason. Finally, Dave shrugs.

"Cool, I can add you to the list of pathetic losers who have expressed romantic interest in my equally pathetic brother." You are unimpressed and a bit offended, too.

"The feelings are mutual, Dave." You say with a bit of irritation in your voice. What is up with everyone today? Sheesh.

"John, I doubt that's true. And I'm only saying it because the thing in my brother's chest can not be called a heart, and if you were to get it photographed or some shit it would resemble a cold pile of camal dung."

"His heart sure seemed to be beating pretty well when we slept together." Whoops. Sorry Dave.

"I'm... John, I... What?" Dave snickers and you glare at him. 

"What the fuck is so funny?"

"I'm sorry, I'm just trying to imagine you having sex and it's just not happening." He's laughing harder and this is so not okay.

"Fuck you, David, fuck you and-"

"Dude, dude!" Dave is grinning like the smug bastard he is and you want to punch his ass because you could totally have sex without looking like an unexperienced uke! Jesus!

"We didn't even have sex you blond turd!" You're blushing like an idiot and this needs to stop.

"John, calm down. If you two decide to get married, which I don't suggest doing anywhere near this part of the country, dumb homophobic shitnecks, you have my blessing." Dave kisses his hand and presses it to your forehead and you remember why you love Dave and his stupid talkative ass. 

"Dave, you can be the flower girl. Rose can make your dress all pretty and Jade can fancy up your hair and you can frollick up the aisle with your little white basket." Dave punches your arm as you giggle at your own amazing imagery.

"Come on man, our video games are calling to us." He says, standing and stretching.

"Do you have anything to drink? My mouth is dryer than your sense of humor."  
"Sure, I have apple juice in my closet." Dave pulls off his shades and winks and you have no idea why.  
\--

You three are all enjoying a nice dinner of sushi picked up at the grocery store, and it's really damn good.

"Dave, you left all of your bags in the hallway, you pile of shits." Bro says with a mouthful of sashimi. Lil Cal is sitting in his lap comfortably.

"Whoops," Dave responds, going through the TV guide. He wrinkles his nose at nearly every channel, and finally puts the remote down. "TV is shit."

"Why don't you capchalog your junk?" You ask, playing with your chopsticks. 

"My fetch modus is a huge pain in the assballs."

"Okay."

Dave gets up to retrieve his bags, sighing and rubbing his butt. 

You you lay over Bro (and Lil Cal's) legs and sigh.

"You're heavy." He mumbles.

"Shut the fuck up bitch you don't know me."

Dave sighs from outside the apartment. Really loud. You both ignore him. He sighs again.

"I'm going to call my dad," you announce, and Bro claps sarcastically. Dave joins in before dragging his bags into the room. One of them is filled with glass, judging by the loud clinks from within it. Bro turns to his brother and stares. Dave stares back. 

"Is that alcohol?" 

"No, it's my recyclables from the trip, Bro. Of course it's alcohol. I have like eight different flavors of rum in here, and I have some vodka and this really cool cream shit-"

"Dave, what the hell? What would I have done if you had gotten your ass arrested?"

"I didn't get arrested." Dave is whining and he shoves his hands in his pockets, nudging a bag with his foot.

You get up and decide to let those two settle their issues in private. You dig your rarely used cell phone out of your bag and dial your home number. Your dad picks up almost immediately. What a reliable man.

"Hi Dad!"

"Hello John, are you enjoying yourself?" You smile despite the fact that he  
can't see you. Hearing his voice makes you so happy. You miss your dad so much.

"Of course I am, Dad! Dave came back early and we chilled together."

"That's nice, son. But could you hold on a moment, someone seems to be at the door."

"Alright." Damn. Oh damn, You know it's the prostitute you totally do but. This is going to be so interesting. You wait for about ten minutes before your father returns to the phone.

"Uh, John?" Your heart is thumping for some reason. Okay, so you're a little scared. But it's not like he can do anythin to you. 

"... Yeah?"

"A pretty young lady just came to the door offering to strip the paint from our walls. Does Dave know about our lack of painted walls?" Is this guy fucking for real?

"No... But Dad, did she say that she was a stripper?"

"Why yes she did." You gulp.

"What did you do with her then?"

"I'm inviting her in for some dessert. She seems like a very kind woman. We're going to talk about her past relationship troubles."

"What?"

"I said that I'm going to invite-"

"No no no no no, I don't mean that. I just mean... Are you being serious?"

"Would I lie to you?"

"No."

"Alrighty then. So John, how have you been sleeping these past few nights?"

"Some nights I stay up cashing in my bad luck, some nights I call-" you sing, and your dad cuts you off.

"John, please stop. I'm being serious here now." You snort. You never know when this guy is being serious or pulling your leg. You guess you can give your dad some credit for your prankster's gambit. If pranking was an actual field of study you'd have a platinum statue in front of the university's main building. You're just that amazing.

You remember your dad on the phone and stop thinking to yourself. 

"Anyway Dad, I've been sleeping fine. Bro has been helping me a lot with my dream problems."

"That's great, John! I'm glad to hear that you're well and happy. I have to hurry now, or my cake might overcook, but I'll talk to you some other time."

"Okay Dad!"

"I love you."

"... I love you too. And Dad?"

"Hmm?"

"Please let the prostitute in our house know that my room is off limits." You hang up and fucking yell.

"Dave, you sick motherfucker!!"


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ??????mhhmmm???no smut sorry
> 
> also pretend the texts are italicized

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the unannounced hiatus guys, i've been busy with illuminati and peeing and midterms and internet bans and blogging and 
> 
> laziness and lack of motivation
> 
> i'm really gomen

You decide to get your prank on. Dave had snatched up that final straw and used it to suck up his bullshit slushie. 

That shit sent a prostitute to your damn house.  
Strider's gonna wish he had never been born. 

You dig through your things, sending clothing and toiletries sliding across the floor. When you find the thing you're looking for, you nearly giggle. This is going to be fucking amazing.  
\--  
You inform Bro of your intentions and he agrees to help you in your dastardly-scheemy-shenanigans. He sends Dave away yet again after arguing for nearly two minutes. Dave grumbles as he makes his way towards the door, and his brother throws a puppet at the back of his head. 

You two begin your project. It's a long, tedious, expensive job but a hilarious and somewhat enjoyable one nonetheless. Bro is totally okay with you using up the printer ink, and busts out some more when it runs out.

You and Bro work in silence for the most part, after the chuckle fits had subsided. You're a hilarious, clever individual who deserves a big shiny trophy in comedy. 

You swear, nobody has the golden comedy touch and prankster's gambit like you do. You're quite pleased that you can finally prank a close friend. Pranking people at school had been nothing but trouble, and your skills had gotten rusty as you began doing it less and less.

When you two finish, you admire your work. It was a beautiful job, and you both wish it would last forever.

You talk Bro into watching a movie with you. You're so happy when you sit down to watch Armageddon with him. Bro literally groans until snap at him to shut up and enjoy the cinematic masterpiece.

"I'll cinematically masterpiss on this entire shitty film." 

"Shh, before I cinematically masterpiss on Lil Cal."

"I'll cinematically destroy you if you spill a drop of urine on him, you little greasy-balled monkey." You both shut up and watch the movie. Urine isn't brought up again.

To be honest you only watch this movie because it makes you nostalgic, and also because Liv Tyler is pretty cute. Really cute, actually. 

Bro calls Dave in about 10 minutes into the movie, and he comes in soon after. 

He didn't bring food for you two out of spite. 

Dave sits on the futon with you.

"Is this Armageddon?"

"Hell yes it is." you answer.

"My ass is sweaty," he responds, standing up on his long legs. "Gotta wash up my hot bod so that the shit stench from this fecal movie doesn't get to me."

He grabs some clothing from his bedroom, opens the bathroom door and screams like he'd just been hit across the face.

And he has. He's been hit by

Smooth Criminal

_David, are you okay?_

You want to slap yourself for merely thinking that thought. Actually scratch that, you're hilarious. 

You and Bro high five, and make your way to the bathroom. Dave is glaring at you, but you really can't see because you're laughing too freaking hard.

"Bro, John, what the actual fuck!" Dave is staring in horror at the shower walls. Bro pats him on the back.

"Surprise, little bro." Bro snickers and ruffles Dave's hair a bit, and Dave slaps his hand away. 

You look at your masterpiece with great admiration. Every inch of shower wall and door is covered with the photo of Dave Bro had given you. The rubber chicken in the photo resembles Dave, you notice. Horror stricken. 

Dave is now silent as he carefully inspects each shower wall, which is completely covered with his humiliating photo and spins on his heel to face you. 

"John... John, when I'm fucking done with you you'll have eyes for testes and your fucking balls for eyes!"

"Ohh, kinky!" 

"AUUGH!" You run away laughing as Dave chases you. You sprint down the hall and into Dave's room, slamming the door behind you. With a click you lock the door and stand with your back against it, your breath coming fast from excitement and minimal physical activity. You're giggling like a little girl and you don't even fucking care. 

There are crows outside that can be clearly seen against the blazing red color of the sunset, and they're watching you intently. You stare for a brief moment or two before the door heavily thumps behind you.

"Let me in you little bitch!" Dave shouts. "You wasted like four hundred fucking dollars of cheap printer ink whipped up in some middle-aged guy's asshole and I can't even wash my fucking balls you shit! I'll bust the fucking door down if you don't step away!"

"Dave, I've met girl scouts stronger than you!" 

"Your eyes are gonna shine like crisp, clean badges when I'm done with you, Egbert."

"Haha, alrighty then!" You step away from the door and unlock it, and Dave youth rolls in, bringing out his katana. You run to his self, grabbing the first thing you see. It's a fetus in a jar. Perfect.

Dave looks intense. You know he's not nearly as angry as he seems, but this moment is too flawless for him to treat as a joke. His eyebrows knit together when he sees you holding the jar.

"No..."

You smirk. Got him.

"Hmm, we don't want to drop this do we?" You take a few careful steps to the side. "Because I could always just trip on any of the junk in this room and splat!  
No more fetus. Pickled baby is dead." Your eyes are filled with false malevolence.

"It's already dead, moron."

"Whatever man."

Dave stands up slowly, not taking his eyes off of you for even a moment.

"Alright John," He lowers his sword-bearing arm. "Put the fetus down and I won't shred you to ribbons and wrap you around a box like a 1980's Christmas present."

"Haha, put the sword away and I may think about it." Dave complies. You place the jarred fetus onto the ground, and you feel like you've won. 

"Well well, John, it seems as if you get to live another day." Dave strides up to you and puts out his hand. Instead of shaking you give him the nastiest Indian rugburn you can manage before he flips you over his fucking shoulder like you're five years old. His awesome suplex lands you on the hard floor with a heavy thud. Your ass hurts. You hope Dave's arm is feeling the pain that is currently surging through your butt.

"Oww..." You stand and brush off your jeans. "Alright fagtron, you want to take this to the roof?" 

Dave plops onto his bed and lies on his back. "Naah." 

"Then what do you want to do?" you whine. 

"Man you sound like you're eleven, chill. Let's go out for a night on the town.  
Buy some games, eat some shit, take some photos, maybe even pick us up some choice bitches. That good stuff."

"Alright! My dad gave me some money, so I guess i can treat us to something..." You think about the one hundred dollars of spending money you have. If you run out you could possibly dip into your car rental money and ask your dad for a few extra dollars to pay for it. He would be more than happy to comply.

"John, I think you've forgotten about how loaded my brother is. If you need anything jut ask man. Need a blowjob? I'll be on your dick faster than your brain can process."

"Oh Mr. Strider ohh. You're so gay."

"Says the kid who exchanges spit with my brother."

"Hehe," You give your friend a quick nkt nkt before he slaps your butt and you grab your phone. 

Despite the warm summer weather outside, Dave grabs a red hoodie. He then kind of stands there stiffly as if he's forgotten something.

"... Dave?" He snaps his fingers. 

"Shit!" 

"What?"

Dave walks over to his window and opens it wide. I a moment, two or three crows peer in curiously before hopping in. They perch on Dave's hipster photo clothesline.

You don't even ask. 

Dave grabs his own phone along with his camera bag.

"Prepare for the manliest night of your life, Egbert."

You laugh. "My genitals are absolutely tingling, man."  
You head out.  
\--  
Dave is pretty impressed wih your car. You don't care if it's because he doesn't have one, it's just pretty cool that he likes it.

"She has a name, you know." Nobody knows how to start a conversation like you do. You give Dave an "are you gonna ask???" look.

"John, don't tell me you're like that guy who's sexually attracted to his car."

"When you and Bro are sleeping I sneak out to put my dick in her. I put my dick in the car."

Dave smirks. "Turn the car on."

You grind your ass into the seat and moan. "Ohh... Ahhh, damn babe..." You start the car and pull out of your spot, the two of you snickering like 4th graders reading Playboy.

Dave tries to play some weird folk music shit on the radio, so you avoid having to listen by striking up conversation.

"So, gonna pick up a chick or two tonight?" You stop for a woman clearly disregarding the Do Not Walk sign, and she waves apologetically in nyour direction. You smile and wave back. 

"Come on, John. You should fucking know by now."

Oh. Yeah. Uh...

"Wow, I swear to God everyone around me is fucking gay! You, Rose, your brother..." Dave snickers while you think about the people in your life that aren't raging homos. Your dad, Rose's mother, Jade... Wow! The world really has changed. Thank you, Obama.

Dave presses his face to the window, his shades clacking lightly against the cold glass.

"You know what I'd appreciate, bro?" He sighs, his lips pushed to the side.

"Get your greasy face off the window, Dave!" Dave disobeys and continues his to-be soliloquy. It's a soliloquy because you're pretty much not listening. You'll listen when he gets his pasty skin off of your car window!

"Man... I'd just love to meet a really hot guy with a nice sized dick and a nice, soft, big pair of tits..." His breath is fogging up the window, and you're actually listening.

"Dave, you're a dumb and fucked up guy." You sigh and realize you don't even know where the fuck you're going. 

"Where am I even driving?" You're the tiniest bit panicked and you look around frantically. None of the streets are familiar. There's a book store, a  
Chinese restaurant, a record store, but not a familiar landmark in sight. Well, it's not like you even know the city, and it's hard to navigate at night!

Boy do you think a lot.

"Calm your sensitive shota nipples, John, we're just takin' a little joy ride, is all." Dave draws a penis in the small spot of fog on the window. The little faggot.

"You could have said that a while back, dicklord..."

"You should have noticed." There's silence as you observe the city lights. You're not used to not being able to see the stars when you glance out. The bright lights still amaze you, though you visit Seattle quite often with your father. This isn't Seattle, however.

Despite the bright lights, you see the reddish brown of rain clouds in the sky. 

You should have checked the weather before you left. 

"Dave, this blows and it's going to start raining. Where do we go first?" You look around for a place to park and spot none. You keep driving. Dave lifts his head up.

"Uhh, turn left at the next light!" Dave blurts, and you barely have enough time to think. You turn. 

"Where are we going?" You ask. 

"We're gonna pick up some games and a hot guy or something."

"I doubt you're going to find a hot guy at a Game Stop on a rainy fucking night."

"Whatever, I'm always equipped with my swagnet. My swag magnet. Steamin' dudes with their hard-as-metal boners are pulled in by the swag. They can't escape my postitively-charged penis."

"Please don't use the word swag."

"Swag, swaggie, swagbert, swagley swag Jr. and swag III fight to the death over who got the most swagga up in this swag powered bitch. King swaggor watches upon the games with his mighty swaggin' pimp cane, Herman pimp Cain, swagging upon all..." Dave is mostly talking to himself at this point, so you leave him be. You still don't know where you're going, so you rely on your shitty cell phone GPS. You luckily find a place to park not too far from your destination. 

You and Dave get out of the car, and you press the lock button about ten times before Dave rests his hand over yours. It's time to stop. the look on his face says. You lock it one more time before pocketing your keys.

Upon entering the video game store, Dave immediately rushing to what you believe is the 360 section. You take a look at PC games because yeah, people still play those.

Right?

You look around for any other signs of life. There is only a man at the register, who isn't very attractive. You guess he would be attractive is he didn't look like he was stoned as fuck, and if his skin wasn't a acne farm. He also needed a shave. You can see Dave looking too. You can see the disappointment on his face. 

You smirk and give the games in front of you your attention. Good game. Expensive. Cool game. Expensive. Really stupid looking game. Expensive. You hate everything. 

Dave appears by your side equipped with two or three games. The onlly one you recognize is a Tekken game. Yeah, they still make those. And they're still great.

He inspects the games lined up on the shelf.

"...Hmm... If you're going to get a PC game, make it scary. Like piss the bed scary." Then Dave looks up at you. "Uhh, like, if that's alright with you, like yeah if you can't handle it just umm... Say..."

"It's alright man, it's cool. We can get a scary game, I don't care." You don't think you have to worry about it. You're not about to let your problems ruin your best friend's fun.

You and Dave agree on some creepy Japanese game and put some money together to pay. 

You walk out, carrying your bags like stereotypical teenage girls in shitty movies. It's drizzling, and Dave puts up his hood. You're dumb. The only thing protecting you from the rain is your stunning charisma.

Your phone buzzes in your pocket as the two of you make your way to the car.  
After setting your sweet loot in the back seat, you check it.

_Hey there bubble butt. It's Bro. Wanna have a pee pee war when you get back? I miss you._

You roll your eyes and text back.

_...how did you get my number?!_

Dave is looking at your screen and smirks. 

"That's some fucked up shit, John."

"What?"

"I miss you. My brother sounds like a little pussy because of you. Congrats." Dave gives you a friendly back slap. Bro texts back.

_Did you know that Dave still uses an address book? That's pretty much the answer to your not very necessary question. You up for some hot frottage or not, Egbert? My dick is shivering with anticipation. ;)_

You text back.

_sorry, but dave and i are gonna hit a few spots in town and game pretty much all night. you can join in if you'd like! i know you like games as much as we do. and you can't touch my weiner in front of dave, so don't even think about it._

_Nah, I'm old, so I'm just gonna go to bed I guess. Feel free to join me before you pass out later, because your Gay. Remember who you are, John. And god fucking dammit I was so looking forward to licking your dick in front of Dave and maybe your Dad too. That's my #1 favorite kink. Next is skullfucking_

You get another text from him.

_Don't play Sonic '06._

You add his number to your contacts and put your phone down.

"Where to next, captain?" You start up the car.

"Starbucks, my nigga. Also when we get home, let's build a gaming fort."

"Can we buy some snacks too?" Dave glares at you, and you wonder what you said wrong.

"Gaming without snacks is suicide, John."

You pull out of your parking spot, and Dave gives you directions and you drive, thinking about how cool it is to be spending manly time with your best friend.

You're sort of a really lucky guy. You smile.


End file.
